Removal of Susan

The Day I Beat Susan

As Susan vanished into the ether, leaving behind her blank form and the acrid scent of burnt paper, something in me snapped. Not the despair she expected - no, this was a different crack, one of defiance. I had been lost in this labyrinth for days, but I was tired of playing their game. If reality itself was melting under their bureaucratic nonsense, then why not play by my own rules?

I stared at the blank form in my hands. Its edges shimmered like it was alive, waiting for me to fill it in with ink that didn’t exist. But I had an idea.

Reaching into my bag, I found a half-melted crayon I’d once pocketed on impulse at a café - neon green, the kind kids use to draw impossible worlds. I scrawled across the form:

"I, the Undersigned, Declare This Whole System Null and Void. Effective Immediately."

The form hissed, as though insulted by my audacity, and began to curl at the edges. The paper darkened, the lines of invisible ink trying to claw their way back to dominance. But I wasn’t done.

With a flourish, I drew a crude picture of Susan - a lizard tail poking out from her pinstripe skirt—and added the words: “Fired for Gross Inefficiency.”

The form screamed. Yes, screamed. A sound like a thousand fax machines all dying at once. It folded in on itself, imploding into a singularity no bigger than a paperclip, before vanishing with a pop.

The ground beneath me trembled, and the world shifted. Suddenly, I was back at the first intercom - the one at the weed-choked empty lot. Only now, the weeds had vanished, replaced by a gleaming, glass-fronted building that seemed… friendly. Above the door, in bold letters, were the words:

“DEPARTMENT OF HUMAN SANITY RESTORATION.”

Tentatively, I stepped inside. The reception area was bright and welcoming, with potted plants and a coffee machine that actually worked. Behind the desk sat a human receptionist—a real one, not one of the Smith clones. She smiled warmly, no lizard scales in sight.

“Hello!” she said. “We’ve been expecting you. Susan has been… removed.”

“Removed?” I asked.

She winked. “Let’s just say she’s been reassigned to a dimension better suited to her talents. We’ve also disbanded the Mr. and Mrs. Smith division. They’ve been sent for retraining - if you can call being trapped in an eternal filing cabinet ‘training.’”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “So… what now?”

“Well, first, here’s your refund for all the time and energy they stole from you.” She handed me an envelope that was, thankfully, not blank. Inside was a check so large it made my knees wobble. “And second, we’ve deleted all the bogus charges. You’re free to live your life again.”

Relief washed over me, but I wasn’t quite done. “What about the butterflies?”

The receptionist pointed to a nearby window. Outside, the butterflies I’d seen earlier had gathered, forming a kaleidoscopic swirl in the sky. As I watched, they began to merge; creating a shape - a glowing portal that shimmered like sunlight on water.

“That,” she said, “is the door to your freedom. Step through, and all of this will just be a strange, distant memory.”

For a moment, I hesitated. The bureaucratic nightmare had consumed so much of me that it was hard to imagine life without it. But then I thought of Susan, of the blank form, of every intercom telling me “this office no longer exists.”

I walked toward the portal. The butterflies parted, their wings brushing my skin like whispers of encouragement. As I stepped through, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders - a weight I hadn’t even realized I’d been carrying.

On the other side was my life, waiting for me: uncomplicated, human, mine.

And Susan? She was left to shuffle forms in her own personal hell, her lizard tail caught perpetually in the drawers of a filing cabinet that never, ever closed.

THERE's NO PLACE LIKE HOME…